ok

fuck you frani i did this before you i swear to god u stole my thoughts

http://williamshipsdontlie.blogspot.com

get on it

frani u are a true faggot i was going to remake my blog sigh now i'm a copycat sigh sigh sigh

I'm not really sure what do to do with myself anymore because I am just a huge waste of time and space and energy and all other resources hm

for a start I'm going to take down this godawful poster of my chem because they all look stupid and then I'm going to convert to christianity and pray to god that I don't have to go to school tomorrow because I'm going to set myself on fire if I have to

ps. I'm aware I'm pathetic and stupid lmao u don't have to tell me!!!!!

let me blog about anna

I want to do what Grace said as well ok yeah

So last night was really nice because we played Scattergories and Anna seemed really happy to see me and Lac and Jodie and Katherine which was really nice and I drew her Ryan Ross and nice tumblr people told me things to tell her and she cried and then I felt bad but it was happy crying so yeah

Today was nice too because Alo and I went to get coffee but we got there really early so we sat on the porch for about an hour and Alo forced me to listen to Beyonce sigh

Once we went in we played Scattergories again and cried because it's the funne

st game in the world I swear to god omfg

And then Alo had to go so Anna and I watched Live In Phoenix and I almost cried because Fall Out Boy yeah

Then later Jordan and Ed showed up and Ed was loud and I felt sort of bad for Anna because he's loud and so nice and stuff but loud and yeah

Jordan was nice and he brought posters and the new issue of AP for her and then we played Scattergories again and we answered an entire round with Pete Wentz jokes which was so funny omfg

then we talked about a lot of things for like an hour idk and Jordan and I told Anna about amusing tumblr things she'd missed and she laughed so hard she cried

Then I felt really bad for leaving because she looked kind of out of it but yeah

then Jordan sent me this picture idk why

I'm worried about Anna and stuff but yeah sigh I really really really hope she feels better because she's been through so much shit and yeah hm

I told her I'd come back on Monday night with more drawings so idek if I'm going to end up doing anything on Halloween and I'm sort of okay with that, really

I mean I'd like to socialize but I sort of cannot be bothered hm

idk is not having a title for your post the new cool thing???
anyway hey here's a lesson learnt from the past two weeks

bottling everything up is really really bad

really bad

it makes everything so much worse and I love my friends and I want them to be happy too and I just need to talk to them and yeah idk I really do hate talking though but very bad things happen when I don't talk to people? Sigh contradictions

I'm going to go drink ALL THE JUICE HA HAH AOSDHLDJF!!!!

it's late and I'm tired

deep dramatic emo sigh followed by hair flick

idk why do i blog

I’m so used to not doing work these days I just don’t know how to do it anymore. It’s really weird idk my work ethic has become so bad I need someone like guiding me along with all my work and it’s really awful hm. I’m doing my passage analysis now and it’s going rather well so hopefully I’ll get a handle on how to work and do things well before next year oops if I don't I'm fuCKED

sometimes bandom is the only thing I love

oooo look contrasting posts!!!! idk I love you grace

three more weeks jesus christ YES THREE MORE FUCKING WEEKS

idk um things

Hm I have a lot of thoughts but it's three am and I'm not willing to share them with anyone and I probably should because bottling things up is how things go wrong but I'm not sure

I'm hungry actually I'm going to go make something delicious goodbye

tonight was shit and then fun

yesternight was really nice and fun minus the shit parts of tonight

yep

ok my life is just one fucking huge soap opera if this was a tv show I'd be laughing right now

but sadly yeah no ok I've never been this angry in my whole life wow ok wow I don't know what to do aside from throw myself off the top off a building

(☞ﾟ∀ﾟ)☞

well

tonight was perfect yeah I love the wombats hmm it was sort of really what I needed because shit sort of sucks and this made me feel happy

I'm hungry but also extremely exhausted and sleep wins out in this situation

jesus christ I love the wombats seriously I LOVE THEM they are a perfect band

I do not love the girl who was in front of me half of the night with the frizzy hair though

that was frustrating and uncomfortable hm if I'd had a razor on me I would've shaved it all off haha!!!!

idk why I said that I'm tired ok yeah goodnight

it's hot

why is it hot

why can't I have pasta for breakfast I'm craving pasta

why are there two flies in my room being loud

I just woke up

why are there two

my paramore poster fell down hm someone should pick that up

and put it in the bin

there are still two flies in my room

I should get up and do something about that

I'm hungry

I'm excited for tonight but I'm also extremely lazy

I'm also excited

there are two empty spaces on my pokemon card wall and it's making me really frustrated WHERE DID THE CARDS GO

the photos right next to my bed keep coming off and I'm feeling frustrated some more

I'm really hungry

bye

Sigh I'm sorry

Blogging is like a really awful drug I can't kick ok

I just enjoy it for some sick sad reason idk it's amusing leave me alone

So here's what happened in the space of time I wasn't blogging

- The Academy Is... broke up and everything sucks now and really it does because I thought there would be a 4th album and I have this list of things I have to do before I die and see TAI live was at the top of that list and WELL THAT'S NOT HAPPENING NOW IS IT

- Things happened and I want people to be happy yeah

- I saw Caitlin today and that was fab omg

- I'm being sent to a psychologist and I'm going to be put on ADs wow that was blunt I'm not good at being blunt be proud of me I know you don't care I just wanted to get that out in the open uh

- I'm currently soaking this potato in butter

Hate me if you want but I love butter

Butter is reason for life

Butter is just as great as William Beckett

Did I really just say that

Today I got home and was happy then I looked at photos of TAI and cried and cried and then drew a picture!!!

It was Gabe Saporta's 32nd birthday yesterday

But he's still perfect I don't understand

oops i'm deleting this blog bye

no wait i changed my mind within 5 seconds ok i'm keeping it and not posting things

bye

I'm not very consistent with my happiness
or my emotions in general
or anything
hmm I wish I could disappear for a while that'd be nice

Counter Revolution

Hi that was the best day/night of my life I think most likely

So we were like on our feet all day and we didn't get signings from Panic or All Time Low but I got to meet The Damned Things and I lost my shit man I was just sobbing like crazy and Joe and Andy I jstu ihorieuasfdhfukerhkflu oh yngmdso god

And I forgot to drink water like the whole day so I had this headache just subtly there for a while and then we got into the mosh for Story Of The Year and they were surprisingly really good even though I don't like them an insane amount

and then I started to get dehydrated and I was like lol shit!!!! And All Time Low were fab even though I thought I was going to die towards the end of their set

and DRUGS came on and I was like 'shit nigga I'm actually going to pass out' and I kept putting my head on Grace's/Jordan's shoulder and like sleeping for a second and I was like 'omfg I'm going to get taken out of here before Panic come on' but then they came on and ok

I just

screamed and cried so hard oh my god I was actually crying like on and off the whole damn set god knows why I'm such a faggot but yeah there you have it

It was literally the most amazing thing of my life because look they just mean so much to me and well yeah even though we didn't get to meet them I am just so fucking happy and grateful I actually got to see them you have no idea

also I yelled when this happened

omg i just owke up and ym hands are likke shakingf os much omfhg ids iftgsdo[fi fgndejkaghlruhaegorhgfhfgdhuitriuypushdf IOH MY GOD OSUIFDSH THISD IS RIDICULSOYUDF

we're just blood and bones

I am so excited for tomorrow you have no idea

Today was nice disregarding the lack of Panic's presence

I like spending time with people I don't normally spend time with

Everything is sort of going to shit on a personal scale and everything is fucking up so quickly I'm not really processing it but hey counter rev so yeah distraction

We're just blood and bones,

Just rods and cones,
Robots and clones,
Just ones and zeros.

So if you want to stay, then stay for one more day.
But please understand. Please, won't you understand?

it seems all I do lately is eat and stress and blog and stress some more and not sleep and watch the sun rise and stress a little bit more

bloggity blog blog

hi

idk

I had a great holiday

frani and I walked on the beach and did creative things a lot and it was really chill actually yeah that made me happy a considerably large amount

and then we had a nice 2 hour conversation about shit that sucks

which was good

yeah

idk I'm really motherfucking tired

I'm going to tumblr all nite aw yea :-)

I feel really lonely and sad now aw hav a cry

literally one of the funniest things i have ever seen EVER

just read ok

Happy Max's birthday eve to you all !

Aw my lovely brother turns 21 tomorrow. Well. Time flies wen ur havin fun!!!!!! :-)

No really I love my brother even if he's weeEEeird because he doesn't leave the house a lot he's still fab ok and he's sort of like my best friend on the occasions he's not in his room so dere u go im a faggot hA ha

I'm packing all my stuff for Port Douglas awfully late

I really hope Frani doesn't start hating me halfway through the trip although I can totally see it happening

I'm actually quite excited yay things

why do I even go to school

Oh my god I am so much happier at home just not doing anything wow lame. But yeah every time I breathed out today it felt like my body was going to like implode and every time I coughed my whole body like spasmed uighfdksjls and yeah uh I want to get better before Port Douglas fun times so yeah.

My brother tried to be nice to me today and buy me coffee but he came back with decaf. FUCKING DECAF ok look he likes his iced coffee but idek how he would manage to order decaf when he DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT WAS jesus fucking christ

anyway I had a gud day aside from feelin shit how bout u (∪ ◡ ∪) ?

u hav fun rotting in hell i mean skool lol????

(✿ ♥‿♥)

life is hard

I just ordered two misfits shirts instead of one

first world problems :--(

hi on another note idk I ~sort of!!~ want to die but then it's like 4 fucking days until the holidays and I really like aths day for some reason and it's tomorrow so wow I'm emotionally retarded oooo!!!!!

Also I'm drawing a lot

Be happy for me \(･ω･ )/

cool I just ordered a heap of fbr merch

Last night was all kinds of fun, actually. I just really like people in general. Actually that might be too much of a generalisation but uh I like most people. Although Anna screaming for an hour because people were hooking up was frightening.

So here's the thing ! I haven't been having bad dreams as such but I can't really sleep at all anymore and it's really rather odd. Also something feels wrong with me and I am not sure what it is. Like there is constantly this weird sick feeling of foreboding just in the back of my head and I don't know why it's there. Like I'm worried about something but I have no idea what it is ! I am not really sure what is going on in my head.

Also I'm hungry.

oh my god

camp

was great

seriously

so good

I would elaborate but eh

I need to to my biology so I don't get a det hooray!!!!!

according to jack 'best person in the world' emerton

I look like a one year old

his niece is one

ok

I've been listening to Dire Straits all evening

It's really really soothing

I've been alternating between that feeling and sobbing at that hilarious boy aforementioned and texting Frani things because wow I have a good phone wow good things

and now I'm eating the best chocolate cake in the world

IT'S SO SOFT OMFG

GOOD EFFORT MUM

You know when I'm always like 'sjkdhflkjds i'm sobbing'

I'm actually just laughing so hard right now

this is the funniest thing of my life

this boy gmh

Today

Yo

Howdy partner

Hru?

Alright ! I have an insane amount of work to do and also I didn't sleep for a solid amount of time last night but whatever

and yourself?

Not too bad, I saw u on the tram on the way home from skool

Oh really

I'm concerned by the fact I don't recognise you

I probably do but

yeah

Yeah, have u seen my pictures?

I have but yeah dkjlfhgd idk

I'd probably recognise you in person

Maybe tomorrow if I see you. I just fell down the stairs of my house, my knee is killing me

Did I tell you that u look alot like my niece

god bless my grandma

she just fixed all my awful german and said that frau may is clearly not a good teacher omfg bless you grandma she is saying so many nice things to me that just melt my heart omg

aw I just hate german so much though it just ruins my life :-)

in other news

wHAT IS WRONG WIHT YOU S;LSRLUGHJDKS;FGSH

holla at ma gurl alo it her day 2day~!!!!!!!

do you know how much coffee i'm drinking

do you even know

hbd 2 alo qurl n dandelion ma boi!!! x

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH COFFEE I'VE HAD THIS WHOLE WEEKEND

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW

ALL I KNOW IS THAT I HAVE SO MUCH WORK TO DO AND I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GOING TO GET ANYTHING DONE

SO MUCH ENEGRY YREJLHGKAFKL YEHAHkjf

Enegry

What

Okay look last night I fell asleep at like 10:30 trying to read The Great Gatsby and my mum must have come into my room and turned off the lights and stuff because I had The Smiths playing really loudly and I fell asleep with the book on my face and wow I have never been so tired in my life BUT NOW I HAVE COFFEE AND WOW FUCK I AM SO GOOD AT MAKING COFFEE I AM TYPING THIS SO FAST I JUST DRANK LIKE MY SECOND CUP OF COFFEE IN FIVE MINUTES AND I COULD RUN A MARATHON OK I'M GOING TO DO ALL MY HOMEWORK NOW BECAUSE I'M LISTENING TO GREEN DAY AND CAPS LOCK AND I'M SO FULL OF ENERGYYYYYYYYYYY

so yeah blink-182

they have this new video and i like screamed because it's so great and THEY'RE SO PERFECT AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL BECAUSE THEY'RE OLD YET STILL PERFECT HOW IS THIS HAPPENING??????

today i liked people

people r nice

i like my friends

look at how good this post is wow LOOK AT ALL MY PUNCTUATION AND FANTASTIC GRAMMAR YEAH

we're going to have pizza for dinner yes omg it's like a tradition now

i need to finish my religion thing oops

i need to finish some sketches for my whole comic book idea thing idk maybe

i'm happy yay things

i'm sobbing

oh my god I don't need to remember why I was the worst person in the world in year seven

jesuhdk chrits kldsfuidfg my godighfdkl caitlin why would you DO THAT

hi disregard previous post I had a bit of a panic attack!!!! which is weird because I'm really prone to those lately

no but yeah all is right with the world again and I am 99% happy except I finished the second season of Skins and just cried the whole last episode oh my god

POTATO BAKE FOR DINNER

YES

LIFE

I have become comfortably numb

This weekend I have been listening to Pink Floyd and Radiohead and the Strokes and enjoying those sort of things I haven't really listened to in long stints in quite a while.

I don't know what really triggered it. But last night I was feeling rather bad, like quite rather bad, and then I was just listening to Famous Last Words at about 4, making myself feel all ~*~inspired~*~ and such, and just drawing things. Because that's what I do when I feel down and stuff. And then I woke up this morning and I felt upset about a few things but then I just spent some time doing mundane things with my mother and then doing nice things like shopping on Lygon St and talking to John's nice friends who are old and bald jkfdslh and well I just felt

uh

content.

I really do not know why but somehow some switch has flicked on in my brain and I feel different but in a good way. Or something. I don't understand what I'm saying either so yeah. But it's just sort of sunk in that, well, I have done some fucking stupid shit in the last couple years, and people have done some fucking stupid shit to me as well, and a lot of the time I wish I could just not have acted a certain way or treated some people in a certain way or just been able to fix things like friendships and relationships or maybe just not lost control of things. But the thing is, I finally fucking accepted the fact I will eventually just get over these things and I will feel better about everything in time. I do really have a lot to be thankful for and I take that for granted majority of the time. And if you're reading this I am probably thankful that you're my buddy. Because you're fab and you've helped me in some way at some point in time, most certainly. So there you go. Long serious blog post that will probably not occur again in a long while. I just thought you ought to know I'm not completely insane.

I forgot how much I like Skins

You know those lovely days where everything is just like lovely n' stuff and it's not like there's one specifically spectacular thing that happens but you just feel sort of

uh

content?

yeah um I feel like that

It's really nice

I had my hair behind my ear before and my mum was a metre away from me and she didn't even see the piercing ha

I have spent my afternoon rewatching the first season of Skins and today with Grace and last night was, like I said previously, very good.

I'm about to go tell my mother about Counter Revolution

how do I make her buy tickets now omfg idk

counter revolution i'm going to cry

last night I saw counter revolution thing on my dash and it was late and I yelled and then I went to sleep

last night was actually so nice

I like Aarish and all the year elevens and people that are nice

Grace and I are in bed ;))))))))))))))

watching skins

eating pascal swirls

yeah

tony is beautiful

miss marwa hates mi :-(

ok look I'm still in a sort of good mood I think maybe idk

except I think I like inhaled a speck of dust the wrong way and it triggered all my cold symptoms again because I feel like shit now ha life is fun!!!

actually I am just really really tired and I was going to draw things tonight but I sort of just want to lie here in a pathetic heap and read fanfic

don't hate me but that's what I'm going to do

opisadhfpsap fjsaocjdsothey ICOMRIOGNDGS

So I was like emotionally unstable for about an hour last night because I’m fucking ridiculous and I like screamed when Anna showed me the link and I was like to mum OH MY GOD ONE OF MY FAVOURITE BANDS FROM SWR IS COMING YES YES OH GOD YES and she was like
Ok lol bitch you’re not going fucking anywhere clean that room
So I went upstairs and listened to panic and like wept odifhgdjklrueoruihogyehu
I like almost had a panic attack HA THE IRONY but yeah when I found out I was like so happy and then I started freaking out and my parenst were like yelling at me for constantly being on the internet and how much I suck at stuff and I was like NO FUCK OFF KJLFDHGUERILFKSDFU so yeah ha fun things
Guess what I had such a good day today
I never have good days
I felt happy all day
I blame Panic
Yay

omg ok i've had 3 slices of toast this morning i feel gr8

also hi disregard my blog last night because I actually have no idea what was wrong with me and I woke up this morning feeling fine fresh fierce ok~!!!!!!!!!

cobra starshit i love u!!!!!!!!!

no really I love cobra starship go away they're perfect

tonight was a mixture of complete utter shit for no obvious reason and just because i'm good at being upset with no valid excuse and partly because it reminded me of certain terrible things I hadn't thought about for almost a year

but there were also nice parts I promise

I'm just really tired yeah I think I was really unpleasant to be around tonight and I was all quiet and grumpy idk I'm feeling ~*~weird~*~ for some reason so I'm sorry for that ~

Ok I have to go watch the rhcp dvd because I promised ryan I would and he'll hurt me if I don't

aw well this week sucked

Because things
No yeah because of those couple days where I thought I was going to explode from misery I have never been so unhappy aw me
That wasn’t fun
Yeah

I am so tired
Look at my blog and how great it is wow I am a perfect human being!!!!!

This week I remembered I suck at everything I do and I am a burden and everything sux lol life :((((((( h8 it!!!!!

I’ll look at photos of William Beckett and Gabe Saporta and read Wuthering Heights and feel good about some things yay okay goodnight

Someone stop me from blogging I suck

patrick stump and buddy holly combined makes me weep

Omfg my brother is talking to my dad on the phone and even though I can only hear half of the conversation it’s so stupid like
‘oh it’s actually Thursday today, dad’
‘so have you moved in yet or’
‘so you still haven’t-‘
‘ok well SOON RIGHT?’

I’m too content with perfect people following me on tumblr and generally content with the internet and reading good fics right now to care so yeah
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
short hair don’t care~

ridiculous

I'm really really sick

I am always really sick

I hate school and school hates me because I miss so many classes :-)

German teacher gonna h8 on mi because I'm legitimately not allowed to go to school tomorrow, according to my mother, and we have a listening test

ha

I've forgotten what it's like to breathe through my nose

I haven't played guitar in over two months and I'm scared to pick it up omg

I think I'll play it tomorrow

may as well do sumthin useful wif ma life :(((

I'm looking at that previous post already and just feeling ashamed

Sometimes I look in the mirror

and wonder why I am so ridiculous

someone tell me

soundwave revolution

Massive faggot post beware!!!!

I am so fucking angry and upset okay look here is my list of reasons to stay alive

- soundwave revolution

- i like some people i guess idk

- seeing mcr live at some point

but like seriously swr was the ONE THING that I was looking forward to

I have nothing to fucking look forward to

I don't give a fuck Panic! At The Disco mean so fucking much to me and you do not need to understand. I was so fucking close to doing the stupidest thing I could've done two nights ago and just ending all this bullshit but you know what I thought a day after? I was like oh ok just think about how happy you'll be when swr arrives. Well.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I honestly don't.

And if they tour while I'm in Queensland

Well

that's it for me

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

It may seem ridiculous but that band has gotten me through so much. Yeah. Um. And I was going to see fucking All Time Low and Sum 41 and even see Joe and Andy in The Damned Things and Danzig? If I'd seen Danzig I would've lost my shit. I love the Misfits so much oh my god.

All I know right know is I am so fucking upset and I just lost one more reason to continue putting up with everything in my life

wow I'm going to look back at this post and hate myself this is so awful

fuck

fucking fuck fuck cunts shit fuckahfdcuntsfgdsglrefjksdf

What do I do

sunday nights do not deserve to exist

aw look I just hate so many things I should write a list or something and certainly I'm right at the top of that list because really I am the shittest excuse for a person ever and I am formally apologising for the fact that you all have had to put up with me being annoying all the time specifically in this blog :-) and look my sentences are never ending and unpleasant and long!!!!! sorry I suck xoxo

we can live like jack and sally if we want to

no ok you cannot even begin to understand how much I love blink 182 but that's ok I'll just shut up now

last night was brilliant actually ! maybe it's the fact I don't really do much anymore idk but last night was really funny and I spent so much time laughing at just

things

and yeah I love twister

I would love to write a comprehensible blog post but I'm fucking tired and Frani's dog jumping on me at like 5 this morning didn't help

I feel really sick and I'm going to start my english homework now ok bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!

became as mad as faggots

well that was fun

I thought I was going to die for like an hour

I love having my first almost-panic attack in like half a year because I'm home alone and easily frightened by this fucking house when it's dark and empty and THERE WAS SOMEONE IN MY FUCKING HOUSE I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING

I could like hear the sound of someone going through our draws or something jesus fucking christ

and then I yelled things and I was like LOL GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE and then I called Frani and then I couldn't hear anything anymore

and then my hands shook for ages

well that was my excitement for the weekend ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I'm not going downstairs until my brother gets home yaaAAAYyyyy fear

tonight is fab

I got home and today fucking sucked because I was busy wallowing in my own stupidity and self pity the whole fucking day ok I'm not going to go into that

But my parents are away the whole weekend

and Max is going out tonight omg STOP THE PRESSES MY BROTHER IS GOING OUT WITH FRIENDS WHAT

and I spent time posting Nickelback and ~*emo*~ things on Anna's tumblr and everyone on tumblr is so funny tonight I am in tears here AND I have pizza and I've been listening to panic all day and everything is GREAT

I have no sensible way to end this

Going to go get ice cream

Bye

this is totally 100% percent true

I just saw Dylan Moran and he is the funniest person in the world

I had tears like rolling down my cheeks

I have never laughed so hard for 2 hours straight dear GOD WHY IS HE SO FUNNY

I am so tired and my throat feels like it should be on a strepsils ad because it's like RAZORBLADES OF PAIN in my throat and yeah

I wish strepsils actually worked

I am going to recover from laughing for 2 hours straight now

goodnight

cescafran

hapi birtday 2 freni shes cool!!!!! :)))))

aw today was nice. I made a cake and drew Frani a picture and I ate lots of food today. And Frani is really really lovely and stuff and yeah I was going to write more but I only got a few hours of sleep due to my rest being disturbed by things so I'm lazy and extremely tired ! But today was pretty spesh. I hate people who say spesh. If you say spesh, just know that I hate you. I'm sorry but that's just the way it is.

I'm trying to think of a new tumblr url and it's so hard because I'm not witty at all. oh well

I'm going to smother a bagel in nutella now. l8r blogga!!! x0

aw you know I really love blink 182

I really just love them so much ok I LOVE THEM YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND SO HERE'S A PICTURE AREN'T THEY PERFECT IN EVERY SINGLE WAYI just love them so much and I still don't think you understand ok wateva!!!!!

Anyway okay I actually had a really good day once it got to about last period ! Because I've never ever done well in math and I am so sick of failing at every single aspect of my life and look things are going really well right now idk look
- My drawing style has like ~*~matured~*~ or something I have no idea but I'm proud of everything sort of
- THE TOILET UPSTAIRS WORKS FUCK YES THEY FINALLY FIXED IT
- YES WE HAVE A NEW TOASTER I'M GOING TO CRY
- therapy today was so gr8 ok my therapist let me draw the whole time and she told me weird stories about her boarding school and things yep it was so good oh my god
- And Frau May was so nice to me omg I came into class this morning and I was like JESUS FUCKING CHRIST GERMAN I WANT TO DIE :-) and then she was like AWW BBY U BEEN SICK???? ITS OK FEEL BETA U DNT HAVE TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING YET OK :)))))

and I wept

- idk something else good happened idk man I'm happy it's weird ok


BUT THEN A BAD THING HAPPENED AND PAT KIRCH CUT HIS HAIR AND I SCREAMED AND I'M STILL SCREAMING

Look at this blog

This sort of post makes me want to punch myself in the face

People who blog like this all the time. You're ridiculous

I made Frani a cake and am drawing her a picture ! Tomorrow I'll make a post just for her yay everything

LOOK OK SOMEONE NEEDS TO HEAR ME

NO ONE IS ONLINE AND I JUST NEED TO TELL SOMEONE THIS EVEN THOUGH NO ONE CARES AT ALL

ANYWAY YEAH OK I HAVE THIS NEW WAY OF DRAWING THINGS AND I'VE NEVER FELT MORE PROUD OF ANYTHING IN MY LIFE
LIKE ACTUALLY I HAVE SO MUCH PRIDE I HAVE TO TYPE THIS IN CAPS LOCK
I DIDN'T THINK I COULD DO THINGS WELL BUT I SORT OF CAN I THINK MAYBE YEAH JKGDSLFAS

I'M GOING TO BE MISERABLE BECAUSE I'M GOING TO THE FOOTBALL AND I HAVE SO MUCH WORK TO DO BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I SPECIFICALLY HAVE TO DO

GRACE OK IF YOU DON'T COME TO SCHOOL TOMORROW THAT'S FINE I'LL JUST MAKE FRANI'S FUCKING CAKE ON MY OWN :----(

oops that was my idea of a 'break from blogging'

well I'm sorry but yeah here I am again !
I'll write positive things first, I think.
Yesterday was really good actually ! I mean I hate school and yeah but I like Caitlin and making friends with her friends. As long as they don't dislike me for liking some bands they hate because I think people who are like that are really shallow and not cool at all hah ! But no I think they tolerated me and stuff which was nice. Preshil people are very amusing and yeah. It sort of sucks my parents are shit and wouldn't let me stay longer. This leads into my negative slab of writing yay !

I've decided that the second my dad's house is ready I am going to stay there for like a month because I am so sick of being here and hey look I said that like three months ago ! This is weird ! But no seriously my mother is always angry at me for no reason these days and I feel so pathetic because I just want to be like NIGGA CUT ME SOME SLACK OK I'M SICK AND SAD CONSTANTLY but like that is so lame and well ok I always feel pathetic but y'know it's extra-bad when my mother is the cause of that.
Hey so I'm being forced to go the football tomorrow and I don't think I'm allowed to go out tonight because my mother is fucking insane. Yeah. That's alright though, as long as she just leaves me completely alone and doesn't talk to me at all I will have a happy night. I'm going to play games that no one would appreciate and talk to gabbi about them because hey yeah internet people are nice to me !

rereading the entirety of harry potter again yep

I could reread this series for the rest of my life seriously

I feel so so sick I want to die but I don't need to throw up and I don't know what is wrong with me but my stomach is fucking killing me and I have no idea what to do anymore HELP
And my head feels like it's going to explode when I stand up ! But at least I'm not at school hah ! More exclamation marks and complaints!!!!!!!!!

look ok I'm going to stop blogging for a while now because otherwise I think I will have to cut off my own fingers because I lack any self-control whatsoever and I am so sick of my stupid blog and I know you are too :-) hope you're all having a jolly time at school ~

I don't know why it has only just sunk it but I actually only just realised that everyone is so used to me complaining about me and my dumb feelings that they just don't pay attention to it anymore
I've even tried to tell my parents just subtly random stupid depressed things and they're like
HA HA YOU'LL LIVE HAVE AN APPLE
Actually this is a really good apple so that makes up for it. But still.
I'm laughing at the above sentence but I shouldn't be oh my god I was trying to write a serious blog fuck

um even my therapist does it now ugh every time I say something negative she's like NOW LOOK AT THAT FROM A POSITIVE ANGLE. DO IT. DON'T QUESTION IT JUST DO IT and it's like what are you doing you're not helping ha ha ha I don't know how to do that

but no oh don't take this the wrong way ! this isn't some sort of ~*sly dig*~ at anyone in particular
I just have a new-found hatred for myself and how much I complain
look I'm complaining about complaining
jesus christ I don't even deserve friends

ooo fun it feels like i'm being stabbed in the stomach :-)

I love my beautiful immune system it just helps so much all the time wow I love it
ha
everything hurts ｡◕‿◕｡

I think I forget how many people actually read this blog
I write so much bullshit here it's ridiculous
And it's actually the most diverse bunch of people ever like idk why some of you went out of your way to follow my blog like what are you even doing YOU DON'T WANT TO READ THIS

I don't think I'm going to go to school tomorrow
I feel like such a hypocrite since I was complaining about people missing heaps of school this afternoon but
fuck off I'm legitimately sick ok fljkghadjkf

my hair is cut and my ears have things stretching them

djkhlsfjsk I always feel so self-conscious after I get a haircut. It’s weird. Also this one is really really short so I have a reason to be. And yeah ha I put tapers in my ears ! Everything is great because they don’t turn at all and they’re really fun to play with and they’re not swollen and I love my ears for that. Except they’re kind of a luminescent green so idk how I’m going to hide that from dem silly bitches @ carey :---( ESPECIALLY WITH MY EXTREMELY SHORT HAIR UGH WHAT DO I EVEN DO
I think there is something wrong with me because I’ve been feeling sick for the past few days and I haven’t been eating as much WHICH IS WEIRD because food is so good like I love food and food is my boyfriend and I live for food etc <333333 I cud blog about it 4eva~~
The point is
Uh
Yeah I feel sick and all this week I haven’t been able to pour a drink without spilling it because my hands are trembling so much all the time
And I drink a lot of glasses of orange juice daily
Which is weird because I haven’t had that problem for years so idk man
I just read the saddest fic ever omg I was bawling my eyes out seriously. Gerard died at the end and everything sucked but like the whole thing was so sad I just cried so much welp and then Cancer came on fucking shuffle on my ipod right when I was up to the saddest part at the end and I just sobbed forever jesus fucking christ fahjlheskdjfs BUT IT WAS SO GOOD

And just for the record omg I had the greatest night last night just reading and rewatching green day live and talking to people on tumblr so yay for not having a social life ok I'm very happy about that \(｡◕‿◕｡)/

dKLS FAK;mim jstu CRYING EVERYWHERE I JUST BROKE MY COMPUTER WITH MY TEARS

http://theuglydance.com/?v=vrcfzkmudn
http://theuglydance.com/?v=vrcfzkmudn
http://theuglydance.com/?v=vrcfzkmudn
http://theuglydance.com/?v=vrcfzkmudn
http://theuglydance.com/?v=vrcfzkmudn

HELP AOIDFGNDKJL INO I'M JUST
SOBBING
AASDFLF WHY IS EVERYTHING SO FUNNY

omg adjhtlk dias i'mgfdu cryingafd jkgl

http://sexyhamdance.blogspot.com/
http://letsallgetoursexyhamdanceon.blogspot.com/
alfjkhd im criyngaljkfs no seriously why is this so funny
why are grace and ryan so funny
mostly grace
grace is making an effort
but still
lOOK ATM Y TEARS LDFGHJ

my childhood is over

I just bawled my eyes out in Harry motherfucking Potter jesus christ.
So many tears. Dear god.
Then we got out and Jodie was like 'it was a bit sad...' and then Cam was like
'I just sobbed the whole time. Manly sobbing, of course.'
yep I have new found respect for him
It was really funny though because it was like me and Jodie and Cam and Zander and they're all really soft-spoken people so I was like straining to hear them all talking and yeah I just had a chuckle to myself

Today sucked so much I was like thinking lol i should throw myself off the top of the g building lol imagine!!!!!!! thatd b so funny :))) but then Aarish gave me headphones after school and suddenly things went good which was nice
yeah

Tomorrow I'm going to stretch my ears and pretend I'm going to media crew when I'm just going into the city to buy things and get coffee because my mother won't understand that media crew doesn't actually do anything and besides she'd yell. Look at me im soooo rebellious omg acknowledge me and my rebelliousnesss!!!!!! I hope ur impressed!!!!! hahahah!!!!!!
Hi Caitlin this is the part I want you to acknowledge

Also I will watch all my band dvds tomorrow night and stay on tumblr while you're all at Jordan's not having fun. I'm not even jelly ok so stop bein mean :((

the things american idiot does for me

I don't know okay it's just listening to American Idiot makes me so fucking happy somehow
I listened to it when I was on the plane feeling sick and I was like IT'S OKAY BILLIE IS GOING TO HELP ME THROUGH THIS I LOVE GREEN DAY SO MUCH FUCK
but I threw up anyway :-) oh weeeeell!!!!!! XD XD

Wow
I have so much homework I actually have to do tonight
like there's no avoiding it
I just want to read fan fic
well
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I'm going to go eat some ice cream and procrastinate yay ajkfldghdkaj

oh don't read this thing here

well the fact that I haven't started any of my homework yet is less funny at 11:45 the night before school. still ! I don't really care. It's all right because I plan how I am going to get out of things very well and I'm going to do most of my math and german anyway so yeah I'm a good person maybe except not really at all

it's really funny when I try to seriously tell my mum that I "would rather kill myself than go to school or just participate in life in general"
and she just has a bit of a chuckle and tells me to stop being dramatic
oh yes I'm aware it's a very ridiculous and over dramatic statement BUT STILL tsk tsk parenting ! you're doing it wrong!!!!!!

this is one of the few times I'm glad I'm seeing therapy lady tomorrow because wow I have so much to unload it's weird and scary maybe she'll actually get around to sending me to my gp idk hurry up and do it though l0l
look at my blog and my life
what is this bullshit \(◕‿◕ )/ if I were you I'd dislike me and my blog a lot ~

so many pop tarts gfhjsdljk I feel sick

you know what
I actually love Iris so much
I love her so much because she's exactly the same person she was 3 years ago and she's such a kid and aksjlhdfkj just being around her is so great because I forget to care about anything yay
um it's like
it just makes me feel like being a kid again ha idk ok

I feel sick. We ate heaps of pop tarts and discussed anime. I forgot I like anime. Hah. Weird.

I'm reading Grace's blog and wanting to hug her
I miss people. School will be nice for about 5 seconds when I see people and then I'll remember it sucks!!!! I'm not going to lie and tell you I'm going to go do work but I'm going to go waste time on tumblr. I blog too much when I'm lonely yeah

no seriously who would fuck brent wilson

aw yeah I just saved you all from a really unpleasant rant I was about to post yeah I'm a great person no need to thank me~~~~~~~

I briefly tinychatted with anna and other nice tumblr people and yeah that was nice
but seriously
things
they suck again

oh well

I'm going to eat some more toast now that I can actually keep food down (✿◠‿◠)
Also I'm going to watch something relevant to my favourite band or something I don't fucking know I need a distraction and I'm not doing homework someone end this sentence for me it's never going to end o0o0o0o0o0o this sentence is just going to go on forever there's a crumb stuck under my full stop button oh what do I do with my life!!!!!!!!!!!
oh
I think I'm going insane from only having my family as company for so fucking long
oh
well

potatoes are so fucking delicious

Are they really this delicious all the time? I'm not sure
maybe it's the fact I haven't eaten for so long idk man I have a headache but otherwise I feel a-ok

let me reassess what is wrong with my life right now in a melodramatic and completely not serious way

- I have yet to start any holiday homework at all
- I haven't seen fucking harry potter fucking fuck fuck
- I wish I could draw well but I can't ha ha ha
- I don't know what I should be doing right now
- Do I dare risk my life by eating nutella or should I wait longer fhjdklslhk

oh wow look at my life and my problems wow everything sucks obviously


hah I'm actually in such a good mood I'm not even kidding
as long as I don't think too much about those first two points then I am stress free at the moment yay!!!!!!!!
I'm going to read some fanfic and pretend homework doesn't exist and then I'll watch Life On The Murder Scene or The Black Parade Is Dead and feel impossibly happy yep sounds good man

Oh something I discovered whilst on holiday:
Hazelnut ice cream + chocolate mousse = nutella
I am not even kidding
I like screamed when I tried it

I am craving some fucking nutella

someone stop me from blogging so much please

I have a fun little story for you all !

So ! Thursday night, our flight was at 11:55. We had dinner at like 6 or something. We get to the airport. I'm feeling reasonably grumpy because my mum is being irritating and making a big deal out of rushing to get through customs or something.
We end up sitting for about 2-3 hours at a table outside the gate. I temporarily fall in love with a boy with really sad looking eyes and write meaningful poetry about eyes and listen to Nirvana and Blink 182 and Sum 41 and glare angrily at a small shop for 2 hours that is overrun with cockroaches. We get into the gate lounge and wait for another half an hour. I exchange ~*~meaningful eye contact~*~ with sad boy for the 409378th time and then we get on the plane finally.
Clearly my night is off to a good start ! We take off at about 12:40am and I am feeling exceedingly grumpy and I attempt to fall asleep in the most uncomfortable position ever. This continues for majority of the whole fucking flight. It consists of me waking up and feeling angry that I'm in a lot of pain and I can't fall asleep properly. By the time we get to about 2 hours left of the flight I'm feeling really dizzy and even more angry. I get up to throw up but turns out I don't need to. I sit agonizing over whether I'm about to throw up or not for almost two hours until we're landing and I shamefully have to use one of the bags in the seat pockets. It's sufficiently disgusting but I pull it off with style and manage not to draw a large amount of attention to myself because I'm great like that.
We get off the plane and it's 9am on Friday morning. I'm feeling considerably better but then I feel dizzy again. The next hour consists of the process of leaving the airport and me wondering whether I should throw up or not.
We get into the cab and my mum has taken multiple bags from the plane, so she's prepared when I once again have to throw up. Yay.
Three more times after I throw up in the cab, I've convinced myself I'll feel better when I get home.
We get home and I practically pass out the moment I get into bed.
I wake up 2 hours later extremely hot and uncomfortable and also extremely distraught because I had some dream about being stuck in an African country where no one understood me. It was terrible.
So basically the rest of the afternoon up until about 6 is me waking up, throwing up EVEN THOUGH THERE'S NOTHING TO THROW UP, feeling better for about 5 minutes, falling asleep again, waking up, throwing up, and this repeats about 10 times. Then getting so ridiculously tired by the time it' s 6 I'm crawling around the house in the most pathetic way possible.
After 6 and I've fallen asleep after sucking on multiple ice blocks for a long period of time I am woken at 8 by a German doctor and he tells me things. Then I fall asleep again. I wake up and drink more water. Then fall asleep.
And now here I am ! I haven't eaten for 2 days and I'm still sort of trembling but I'll be fine ! I am only saddened by the fact I missed out on Zander's party last night since I've been looking forward to it since forever but djaslkfh whatever. I'm going to go...drink water...because I'm still not hungry which is really weird. I think I'm going to read some fanfic or play pokemon or something because I'm too exhausted to do anything else yay :---) Actually after standing up I have realised that I have a huge headache and my stomach physically aches from all the...throwing up. Uh. Also I can't walk in a straight line. but ill b fine!!!!!! :)))))
If you read all this you, my friend, are a champion of the highest degree. Sorry you had to read about the throwing up. Since, y'know, that's kind of gross.

well

This was an overall very lovely holiday

Just a few, uh, things this made me realise though

1. My mother makes me extremely uncomfortable. Specifically when she stares at me too long or when I can tell she's looking at my arms or when she makes some sort of gesture at my arms or something idk dfhljkasjk
2. It was so weird because I haven't worn shorts or short sleeved tops in so long and I felt insanely uncomfortable for like the first few days and then I only went swimming like once ugh I hate myself for that
3. On more positive notes,
THE PEOPLE IN BALI ARE SO FUCKING NICE IT'S INSANE
4. Korean drama is amazing oh my god
5. Indonesian TV in general is like the best thing of my life
Today we watched a movie called Mr Vampire. It was about zombie vampires. They hopped everywhere. I cried sufficiently.
6. Dear god the food here
I can't even
I have never had so much Mi Goreng in my life holy fuck
7. I think I would've gotten a lot more done if I didn't have unlimited free wireless internet
oh
well
/shrugs

I'm going to go home tomorrow night and get back at 6 in the morning and then wallow in self pity for the whole day and then go out n party dat nite!!!!!!!

I had a massage today

Okay regardless of the fact that none of you are interested at all in my pointless Bali adventures let it be said that I hate massages.

Okay firstly my mother was like GET A MASSAGE YOU'LL FEEL GR8 and since she couldn't con my brother into one I didn't really have a choice. So I was like 'ugh okay what requires the least touching' and she was like FOOT MASSAGE LOL YAY YOU'LL FEEL SO GR8!!!ENTHUSIASM!!! so I was like ~*~wateva mom~*~ and I went along to this shit and can I just say
I've never felt so uncomfortable in my life
Except for the time earlier today when we walked into what I thought was this really cool art gallery and in fact turned out to be a massive warehouse full of brightly coloured gay porn and dicks everywhere. That was motherfucking uncomfortable.
Ha today is a day of uncomfortableness for the ham

No No but seriously this fucking massage. I had to bite my lip til it bled to stop myself from laughing because I'm fucking ticklish okay. The lady even asked what was wrong and I was like LOL NOTHING IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE FEELING UP MY THIGH OR ANYTHING WHEN I THOUGHT THIS WOULD JUST BE A STRICTLY FOOT MASSAGE NO BIG DEAL IT'S NOT LIKE I WANT TO SELF COMBUST FROM THE LACK OF PERSONAL SPACE OR ANYTHING
Oh man I didn't even realise but I have a problem with people
touching
me

That was meant to sound creepy
ha ha I bet you feel uncomfortable reading this now
ha

Yesterday we went for a bike ride that was downhill for 2 hours and had like two fucking huge up and down sort of hills but otherwise I didn't pedal the whole time and it was the best bike ride of my whole life yep
it's kind of cool when you're riding through large expanses of farm lands and you see tiny little kids running out from their houses just to say hi to you
and a lot of them squealed at my hair
sometimes I wonder if people think my head is bleeding from a distance, especially with a helmet on. I'm not sure

It's really nice because I really like this holiday and you know what I just love everyone lawl so full of love dis neva happens!!!!! embrace it!!!!! ~ <3
I mean there's that thought sitting at the back of my head reminding me that as soon as school starts up again and as soon as I get back from here, and more specifically, realise I have motherfucking holiday homework to do for a semester of electives I hate, that I'll fall back into my old fun depressing mood yay life ha ha ha
Those thoughts have just occasionally risen whilst I've been here but like
You don't even know how good that is for me
I don't even know how to explain how weird it is for me to be this
uh
content?
almost all the fucking time
or at least being able to keep a lid on my negative thoughts and such
it's weird

Do you want to know something irrelevant? Tumblr was so beautiful tonight oh my god so many magnificent photos of many things I can't even form words well anymore

If you don't find mikey way attractive at all I have some news for you
you're a lesbian


LOOK AT HOW LONG THIS IS
I DESERVE TO BE BURNT AT THE STAKE

so I've been on the resort's internet for majority of today

And I have this horrible fear that the staff are going to like break down the door and beat me up and tell me to stop using the internet

ha ha paranoia ha ha


you know what? I liked it better when I/people in general posted photos on these blogs

so here u go l0l
dis is so random!!

I've been here for about 24 hours and I love everything

Do you want to hear something nice
I am so so so happy right now it's actually ridiculous
This morning I woke up and we got free breakfast. Consisting of croissants and toast and weird cinammon pastry things and THE MOST AMAZING COFFEE IN THE WORLD JKDLSHFJ and so much fruit and yeah okay that just made my morning. And I cannot even describe how fucking awesome the view is. Like. It's *~*~bReAtHtAkiNgggg~~~~*~* no but seriously we're really high up and it's amazing and fuck this is gr8
I am drawing heaps and you know what it's not even that hot and yeah it's like a great temperature and look I'm forgetting to end my sentences and use punctuation ! yay !
We went to a forest full of monkeys today. It was called Monkey Forest. It was on Monkey Forest road. There were people screaming everywhere and children laughing. I watched a monkey handroll a cigarette and a monkey almost tear someone's face off because they were holding bananas. I don't think I've ever been so amused by animals in my life.

There was a really racist and obnoxious fat man sitting behind me on the plane ! That was not fun. I had a headache the whole time and I listened to a lot of patd and felt sad. But now ! I am overwhelmed by the amount of love I have for Bali.

Seriously they make the fucking greatest coffee here.

ALSO I saw a very small child wearing a My Chem shirt on the way out of the airport and I almost wept
greatest moment of my life

hi brb bali

when people don't understand my sarcasm

[You] 1:12
alright then
I'm going shopping for art supplies !
k g2g l8r sk8r xo
[ ] 1:13
what the hell is wrong with you



ha ha dumb bitch

oh and look I changed some things

also hi the conversation I had with frani last night had me legitimately sobbing for about an hour
not
even
kidding

HAHA YEAH I LOVE DOG
I NEED TO CLAM DOWN
BURT SERIOUSLY

dear god everything is so funny wen im talkin 2 dat gurl :))) xxx

an evening consisting of L4D and Misfits

Alex's house. Oh how I love it.
And oh how I love his endless supply of food and his dogs and his cat and his backyard and playing strange basketball with his dog and playing twister and Skate 3 and almost dying on the trampoline because Ryan thinks it's really funny to watch Alex, Frani and I writhe about in discomfort whilst Frani is constantly mumbling something about wanting to be sick.

And this evening I got home and decided I was in a gaming sort of mood and I haven't played Left 4 Dead in so long and it's so great and there's just so much zombie fun and gore and explosions and blood and frightening random zombies popping up out of nowhere and yay I love it
And my mother came up while I had Misfits playing really loudly and I was killin' zombies and she just barged into my room unannounced and she stared at me for so long with this really confused/concerned look on her face.
I think I am in a mostly good mood and I'm trying not to think about too many things aside from the fact I'll be in Bali by Wednesday and the weather will be wonderful and I won't have to deal with anything and I can forget school even exists.

Ha this blog is too long
I think I"m going to go draw a picture of Mikey Way and then go play some more L4D yep
Sounds like a productive continuation of the evening
I'm going to go make myself some coffee because apparently I'm addicted to that shit now
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ha brilliant

I wrote this really aggressive and terrible blog post about how I hate everyone last night
but it didn't post lol yay!!!!!!!! :))))

I'm quite excited to go to Bali now. I like the fact that I'm going to be alone a lot and it's going to be such lovely weather and I'm going to get a heap of drawings done. There is so much art I really want to get done. Like, I need to do it.
I'm going to get so much art done and just listen to some lovely music and read lovely books and watch some lovely Balinese tv and hope it's insanely humorous.

We get our own private pool in our room's garden
how fuckin' cool is that

occupying my time with paintings and reading Dracula

I'm surprised I have never gotten around to reading it earlier. It's fun and disturbing and great. And I am sketching and painting things for Frani and my mural that will come together in a month or so, I think.

Except not so much drawing because I"m feeling rather lazy and I'm just going to stay up all night with this bottle of the best motherfucking drink in the world - a.k.a a bottle of blood orange wonderfulness - and continuing to read Dracula or this really really long fanfic which is spectacular and great and also be on tumblr and listen to things with these gr8 headphones and yep I'm multitasking like yeah.

My mother tells me she thinks there's internet access in our rooms in Bali, but definitely at the resort at least. If she's lying I'm going to cut a bitch

why was today so wonderful

I love it when things are wonderful. I love Alex's house. It's like a second home. Everything there is so nice including his strange dogs and cat and his sc3n3 sista!!!! and he has so much food. Yep. Gr8 start to the holidays is gr8.

I will forever be anticipating the release of Ma Book (of good jokes) by Sarah Davis.

yep this is bullshit

so I had one of the worst sleeps of my life last night I am not even kidding
after feeling the worst in the morning I was like FORGET DAT SHIT IT'S A WEDNESDAY I LOVE WEDNESDAYS
but then everything just happened to suck today
every time I tried to be all like ~*~positive and try and not think about it~*~ there was just something to bring me down again and that kept happening and oh man I fucking hate things.

I was actually feeling almost good last night and well okay that went to shit didn't it

I forgot to post this
it's half an hour later and mum just said we're having chicken curry for dinner
that is the best thing I've heard all day oh my god

the only nice sunday in the history of forever

Generalization. But just, as a rule, Sundays have a habit of being really really shit.
Today was the exception of being quite nice. I really like meeting splendid new people and seeing other fantastic people I have not seen in a while, and generally do not see very often at all. I appreciate nice days like today that make me forget about everything else in the world yay.

Oh ! And my hair's a bit red. It's a bit of fun. Just a bit. Just a little bit.

What a catch, Donnie

Today was really actually quite nice even though last night I was really overwhelmed by things and yep. Today was really lovely. I love Frani and Grace and Zander and Aarish and everything and I love Adam too even though he sucks a large amount of cock for not showing up today. Mhm. In any case, I am painting and being overwhelmed by how much I love certain things. Fall Out Boy, for instance.

I've got troubled thoughts
and the self esteem to match
what a catch, what a catch.

oh man

there is is really attractive person at my therapy place who has their appointment after me
I've seen them like twice and we had like eye sex no big deal
they're so cute I want to cry

I have no idea if they're a boy or a girl omg

Happy birthday Jack Barakat

You beautiful wonderful human being.

Honestly I like when I don't leave the house on Saturday nights and I just have a nice night on tumblr and I can draw things and read wonderful gorey comics and eat a lot of cake and nutella and listen to fall out boy
seriously this is as good as life can possibly get
I have low expectations k

Okay

I will not blog for a while
It is a pointless thing to do when I can just write it all in a book
And I am making pointless annoying posts all the time ! So yeah
Also we have Nutella now
I will survive
Suddenly that song is stuck in my head.
The lady who wrote that was called Gloria Gaynor.
Why so ridiculous, Gloria Gaynor? You are not going to survive with a name like that.
Ha.

um
So goodbye for a while

The conversations I have with my mother.

"I was talking to Frani's mum... she says you hang out with Year 11s a lot more these days?"
"Yeah...It's like Frani, Grace, me and Adam, Zander and Aarish."
"...Irish?"
"Aarish."
"Irish?"
"AARISH."
"...is he Irish?"
"WITH TWO A'S. AARISH."
"Oh! ...He's not Irish is he? Ha ha ha!"

deer god.

we're out of nutella and everything sucks

Lawl not being melodramatic. Just the fact we have no Nutella is just an addition to my sadness
/dramatic sob
I want someone to give me something that will make me feel better
I do not understand why we haven't gone to the doctor for something yet
I don't get it. Adults are silly. My mother says she will do a lot of things but does not get around to it ! She is very silly. We need more Nutella. That might make me feel better. I doubt it. Nutella can only fix so many things !
In any case
I cannot stand this
I hate pretending I feel all happy n' stuff
When I don't
I don't know how to feel happy anymore
Which, y'know, isn't great. Quite honestly it's fucking shit.
It's rather odd, because while I dread waking up every morning at the same time I get these really not-fun dreams, if you can even call them dreams, and I want nothing more than to stay awake all night. It's rather odd. You might almost say it's pretty. odd. Ha ! I make that joke too often.
I want someone to do something to make me feel good again. I haven't felt genuinely happy, like constantly, for so long. I always end up coming back to this depressed feeling.
Funny thing. I always write derpressed and it amuses me to no end in the most inappropriate of situations.

This has been another blog where I open up too much about boring things that no one cares about xoxo

Happy birthday to the frightened possum

Two days until English exam. I think I am a bit fucked for some other exams but oh weeeelll

I ate 3 slices of nutella and noodles for breakfast. I am in a Panic! At The Disco mood, moreso than I normally am. I am happy I do not have proper school for 2 weeks. I do not want to go to dinner tonight with family friends who I have not seen in a long time. I should study instead of writing things on the possum's wall that would startle him further.

blogging again yep bitches can't stop me k

Today was so dull I could've wept a bit but then the afternoon gradually got nicer and nicer

Then I got home and there was tumblr and pizza and Blink 182 and amongst all of that I drew things that I liked and I was like DAMN I LOVE LIFE
except now I feel sick
sad stori i no ryt

my tummy is sad and angry and is making everything painful OH WELLLLL DON'T CARE IN A GOOD MOOD
Suddenly
I am so tired

So tired

Going to go read in bed and paint a picture of someone and then go to sleep, I hope. l8r guise

oh me and my past blog entries

I am silly.

HI OKAY I WANT EVERYONE TO LEAVE MY TUMBLR ALONE
How do people find my tumblr
People need to understand not to give my tumblr to people
idgaf who it is u need 2 leave mi alone :(((
And why would they even follow me
I don't understand
People should leave me alone
I would make a new blog but fffs I love this one
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO RANT ABOUT THINGS WHEN PEOPLE I KNOW ARE THERE
I don't want them to see into my mind ! That's weeeeeirddddd !

People should just go away yep my internet is slow so I can't even click on this person who just followed my tumblr and hate on how shit their blog is
everything sux all da tym

ignore the things I post, please

I am so sick of everyone and everything including myself
and I am so sick of how I always complain about something or rather and I am such a huge waste of time and space and existence and the fact that I still have friends confuses me a lot because y'know I suck

I was actually studying this afternoon um though
fuck fuck fuck
I need to draw something
I don't know how else to vent things anymore djklfhjksf

When I got home today I just curled up in the nice warmness of my bed and listened to nice music

The past month of feeling tired has finally caught up with me and I do not think I have ever felt this physically exhausted in my life. The whole day today I could just feel my eyelids getting all heavy. Too much blogging in the past week, I think.

My brother is the most wonderful person ever ! He bought more Nutella for me. Going to go back to bed and kind of lie there even though I can't sleep. I like that I am too tired to worry about anything or think about people. It is nice.

I don't think there's anything I'm worse at than studying

And I'm bad at a lot of things

/melodramatic sigh

I, in fact, had a nice afternoon of re-reading this comic books I was in love with when I was 12 or something. They're insanely gory and exciting and they're about a guy who murders people and he's great and deep and has these fun misanthropic views on society. They're really wonderful comics. Going to re-read the graphic novel thing of V for Vendetta for like 12 billionth time again at some ungodly hour tonight/tomorrow morning, I think.

Lol but seriously what is study
what does that word mean
I don't understand
what am I supposed to be doing right now

My Chemical Romance

Um.
No words can genuinely describe how much that band mean to me. Ughlol some people just don't get it and they're all "duuude mcr are so emo n' shit and the lead singer looks like a rat" etc. which is not very nice, because idk about you but being called a rat is somewhat, or very, insulting.
IN ANY CASE
Uh I love them so so much and the only reason I am feeling so inspired to do things right now is because they exist. And by 'right now' I mean at this moment in time specifically. I may not have had a wonderful year in any way shape or form so far but this lovely band kind of are my only motivation for anything. Which is nice. I can tell someone is just having a right chuckle to themselves right now reading this, but uh there really is no other way to put it. Yeah.

Today was pleasant. This weekend I somehow managed to re-assess how shit of a person I am. Uh. Yeah. I will be better at things in general from now on. Not exactly mentally but I suppose I will just try harder. At things that I like. Not Math. Ugh. The point is. Too many full stops. Yeah.

I am going to remember how to skateboard and create better drawings and play guitar more and study harder and try to not despise school as much as I do and watch the rest of Life On The Murder Scene and continue to adore Gerard Way and Frank Iero and Ray Toro and Mikey Way and Bob Bryar and yeah. That's my life planned out, there.

This is me apologising for the shitness of my blog

Yeah. Uh. I just looked back on old posts and oh my god why do I even have friends.

I slept for 3 hours last night because I was drawing ! Isn't that fun?

Going to go get some sort of cereal and sit in bed and think about how much everything hurts for some reason. I think I slept in some awful position or something idek. I need cereal.

everything sux :((((

Except when Frani and I plan to become a fanfic writing duo of massive great proportions and the time between after lunch and the end of school just involved us sitting outside and drawing things and feeling nice.
Everything else today made me want to die a bit xoxo
I cannot complain though.

Going to eat my sorrows away with Nutella and think about Alo and Aarish and other people who are sad at the moment and hope with all my heart that they will be happy again. Um yeah.

the way to my heart is nutella

I think I'm going to get that tattooed across my collarbone or something srsly guys

4 hours later and 6 slices of nutella on toast and all I've achieved is finished some lovely fanfics and finished my passage analysis and felt sorry for myself. I am terrible.

I don't know why but for some reason people think it's alright for Pete Wentz/Patrick Stump fanfiction to be really twisted and frightening. Like one of them gets pregnant or they're both women instead or they're actually horses for some reason. I saw a summary of one which I got away from as fast as possible and it was like, 'in this story, Pete and Patrick are pencils!!!!'
like what the actual fuck. AM I MISSING SOMETHING HERE OR IS THAT THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING IN THE WORLD?

That was a fun mood I was in...yesterday? Or Monday? I'm not sure. No ! It was Monday. Monday was fun. My good moods don't last very long. I feel like sulking in my room and writing melodramatic things in a book n' yeah. You know what? If I wasn't me I wouldn't be my friend. I am so awful it sickens me. This is normally the point at which I say 'l0l gonna go b a dramatic bitch n draw something 2 vent ma feelings :(((((' but hey, I have study to do. Yeah.

general niceties and fall out boy

This weekend was quite nice. I listened to Fall Out Boy all week and I have rekindled my love for them, which is brilliant. And I bought From Under The Cork Tree just because I like owning the cds of quality bands. Patrick Stump/Pete Wentz/Andy Hurley/Joe Trohman would be happy with my purchase. And I drew a lot. I still have like ~*~no pride in my art~*~ and I constantly compare it to like Anna's or something and I'm like OH WOW OKAY I SUCK but y'know, whatever. Also I got a haircut and I look more like a lesbian than I ever have. Everything is so much colder now. I didn't realise how much my hair had grown but now I have to wear like five scarves at once just to be a normal temperature. /dramatic sigh
I'm in quite a jolly mood even though I spent the majority of the weekend only accompanied by the beautiful voice of Patrick Stump. That sentence contradicts itself. How could I not be happy after listening to Fall Out Boy? What a ridiculous thought. I'm rambling so much.
In any case, I had chicken curry for dinner. Impossible to be unhappy after that.

5 in the morning

what the actual fuck am I doing
I've been drawing all night/morning
oh dear god what is my life

Last night in my father's house.

I feel so stupid, but uh, it's just sinking in that I'll probably never be in this house again.
Now if you don't mind, I am going to ramble on about pleasant memories from this house. You're not expected to read this, y'know. I'm just gonna leave this here so I can come back and read this later and create an ocean of tears surrounding me. Yep.

Oh dear. I love this house a ridiculous amount. So many nice memories here, but things that don't sound nice to anyone but me, I think. So much time spent with my brother or alone. So much time spent on the internet here. During my lovely online-gamer phase I'm pretty sure I spent about 16 hours a day at the computer downstairs. Oh ridiculous 13 year old Camille. That was nice though. I don't even know how to explain how that was nice but it was. Weird. I feel so distressed because I was so genuinely happy at that time in my life, which is weird because I was barely sleeping and I didn't leave the house on the weekend and talked to people online all day. I faked some sort of intense sickness whilst I was at my dad's every Friday so I didn't have to go to school and I could be on the internet all day. So strange. And there were those nights I spent talking to Brad for like 6 hours straight about nothing in particular, until like 5am. Then I'd wake up at like 8 and keep talking to him. But so constantly happy. I've never ever written down this before. I feel really strange.
But aside from my strange long period of literally living on the internet, there were nice things that actually happened in this house. Like when I wasn't playing games n' such, and my brother and I were particularly close and we just watched channel V and MTV and Max (HA THE IRONY BECAUSE THAT'S HIS NAME HA HA) and just laughed hysterically at various music videos and developed a love for Van Halen and Red Hot Chili Peppers and the Offspring. Oh my god. That Max channel is the best thing in the world. They have this 'Party Max' thing which is seriously just a loop of Elton John, Beyonce, random soul singers and the occasional Radiohead song, along with all these lovely 80s hits and it's seriously the best thing and I feel so sad thinking about it because I like, am so not close with my brother anymore. That depresses me a bit.
Also there was that fun time in the midst of all this where I was so into drawing and I would do digital drawings that took like 8 hours of my time and I had so much pride in them and djkhfsljkhalfk oh my god the effort I put into stuff back then kind of astonishes me. Non-existent God knows how I managed to make time each weekend to do all of that. But yeah.
I feel sad. I want to be 12/13/14-sort-of again. I mean not really but yeah. Those were nice times. Really nice times. Lolohgod I've rambled on so much. I am going to miss this house like fuck, but oh well. New house is lovely. IT'S LITERALLY SO FUCKING SMALL I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING but oh well. Oh. Well.

In other news, I have this hatred for school and yeah. This blog is making me sound more miserable than I am ! I'm drawing digital things right now and I feel a bit pleased because I haven't drawn things well on the computer for ages, n'yeah, this is pleasing.
Alright then. Back to reading some more fanfic for a bit.
This blog is much too long.

Horatio found this the other day in Religion

http://camilleham.blogspot.com/

So afraid. So, so afraid.

oh dear god

Okay I slept for like two hours last night and I fell asleep on my computer at like 1 and then I woke up at like 2 only because I'd pushed my laptop off my bed and it made a scarily loud noise and I like shat brix and then I slept for like another hour and woke up again because I felt insanely sick and went to go throw up all my internal organs for like 4 hours and then my mother made me a nice lil hot water bottle and then she had to go to work in some sort of rush but I couldn't really walk straight or see properly so I wasn't listening so I jumped into her fucking huge bed and it's so comfortable I like died and then I was like in and out of sleep for 2 hours and I woke up and I was insanely hot and Floppy decided it'd be cool to sit on my legs while I slept and I sat up and I was confused and I had Justin Bieber stuck in my head and that just made everything worse. Then I got up and ate a fucking huge bowl of cereal and stalked Ryan Ross' stupid twitter and sat on tumblr for a while. My feet are so numb from the cold I didn't even realise till now. I am going to go put socks on. I feel sick again.

Too much information?

Tuesdays are as unpleasant as ever

Or at least Tuesday evenings. I hate hate hate myself. A lady telling me what my problems are and how she thinks I'm feeling right now does not help me.

Going to paint a picture and ignore everyone. Also I am going to go shout at someone and question why there is no ice cream in the freezer. I think I will do my homework tonight, possibly, maybe.

aw yeah I love my mother so much

ha no I don't ! not right now ! I am so tricky. Being all tricky with that title n' such. No. She is being mean. She doesn't understand meeeee omggggg ~~~~~
I'd elaborate in a more mature way but I am so so so tired and yeah but I won't even be able to sleep because yeah problems n' shit. ugh lol what has become of my life

I don't want to do anything ever k. I realize this only now: the reason I suck at so many things is only because I can't commit to anything. And yeah. Ha. I need ice cream. It is going to be a long night. I think I will paint something? I'm not sure! Maybe I should do work. That's a crazy thought. I think I will be feeling awful tomorrow morning so sounds like I can get a day off. Yay n' junk.

THIS POST LACKS SENSE-MAKING

The urge to lock myself in my room for days is undying

I am really starting to enjoy being alone. If 'enjoy' is the right word? I don't think it's very healthy for me to want to be alone so much, now that my mother is home all the time n' such, but I am just so sick of people. I don't mean to melodramatically italicize words for emphasis but yeah. People. I am over them. It's not necessarily 'blah blah blah I hate everyone they r all sew mean 2 mi' but I just cannot be bothered with people and making an effort with people and yeah. That's about it, more or less.

I like that I've gotten all motivated about my drawing recently. It's a nice emotional outlet of sorts, I suppose, because I don't really like writing massive weird things here and it is nice to take a break from writing slabs of depressing and angry rants in a small book ! I am finishing up this drawing that I am so proud of and I have seriously never had this much pride in my art for so long. So yay. Positiveness !

Going to go draw some more and read some more. And be a bad person and not talk to people. Goodnight.